My fitness struggle----RAW

When I say RAW I mean unfiltered honest thoughts that will probably expose to much about me and make you change the way you think of me, but I am ok with this at this point.  When I created this blog, I wanted to be able to express myself.  It was suppossed to be an outlet.  I haven't really used it as much of that....sooo before you read this remember that once you see or hear something you can't unsee it.....don't say I didn't warn you.......




So it's 10:44 am and my stomach is growling a little, but I can't decide if I should give myself permission to eat or not.  I am tired of my stomach hurting.  Most often my esophagus feels as if it would explode.  I have been trying to treat it with over the counter pills like Prevacid, and Zantac, but my problem is I am not consistent in remembering to take medication, and the over the counter milligrams aren't as strong as the doctor stuff.  (I started feeling like this three years ago....went to the hospital thinking I was dying, they ran tests, and later i had an endoscope and colonoscopy done, and they tell me everything is fine with the exception of some gastritis)  I don't have medical insurance for two more weeks, so I guess I have to wait and use what I have.  I have decided to make myself eat smaller meals because a regular size meal just makes me feel miserable, and I don't want to be that anymore.

I am to angry about all the pressure I feel put on me (by outsiders) to keep this place (I mean my home) perfect that I have decided to forgo the YMCA today and stay home to work on the place that I feel is never completely done.  I have begun delagating little tasks to the kids like putting away their own clothes etc.  Still I can't keep the inside and outside perfect and someone had to stop me and complain this morning.  I am making a decisive choice though, not to eat through my stress.  I have been working out at the YMCA for about two months now, and there has been no change in anything, so I know I need to clean up what I am eating then, and reduce my calorie intake.

This morning, I went to Walmart to purchase carrot chips, some special K preportioned snacks, and a few already made protein drinks, simply because sometimes I find it overwhelming to actually make them myself.  (Ridiculous, and lazy I know.....but it's the truth)  The point for me at this point to get the pain in my stomach under control, so I have picked out some fruits, veggies, and liquid items to hopefully ease the amount of pressure in my stomach.  My neighbor and I chatted about it the other night, and she says to me do you think it's because you are eating things you are not supposed to and your diabetic....and she is right, I am diabetic, and I do not take care of myself.

I know the risks, I have seen some around me suffer complications...even losing my mother to complications of the disease (not because she didn't take care of herself though, she did take care of herself, but that is a different story for another day)  I even lost my first child in the last stages of pregnancy and undiagnosed gestational diabetes was a contributing factor (not the only one) but still this has not motivated me to care of me.  I don't know why I must be broken or something.......kind of like my friend who lost her mom to cancer, but still picks up her cigarettes and smokes them and may put her kids in the same situation her mom left her in.  All this should be bright neon signs in my face, but I still sit unmotivated to make necessary changes.  I am sure not caring for myself is somehow rooted to the abuse suffered at the hands of the family that raised me for 10 years, but again another story for another day.  This isn't going to be an easy change to take care of me.  I hope this time I really decide to make the changes I need to.

I was hoping that serious exercise would bring change, and I get frustrated when it often doesn't my thoughts are I am moving more than I used to and making better choices then I used to, so some changes should make a difference right, but it doesn't and that is where I lose any perseverance.  Here is to changes that I hope eventually come, and I try to eat less and move more for lasting change.  As I have tried to make so many other changes in my life, with keeping my home, changing finanaces, and raising kids, cooking from scratch and finding ways to be frugal it just all seems overwhelming sometimes, and now I have to work to quiet that bad carb craving sugar monster inside of me.  I don't know how to achieve the right balance and complete it all.   I would like to be able to offer people advice, but I really don't have any tips or tricks right now....maybe soon.