On Saturday night, I was invited to a Ladies tea at church. It was nice to fellowship with ladies, and hear some share their testimony as well as the word of the Lord.
By the end of the night I was feeling very convicted. I had to admit that my relationship with the Lord is just very broken. I gave in to the Holy Spirit and went to the prayer room that had been set up for ladies to privately pray with other ladies.
(I do remember accepting Christ at a young age, however in growing up, I am not sure how much thought I gave that) My husband and I consider ourselves to have been Christians for over 10 years now. If I am honest though, I am not sure how different my relationship with Christ looks all these years later. I am not a strong and rooted woman of faith. I am probably just still a baby in spiritual appearance. That is not good. I confessed that I am not strong enough to be everything that is needed in my home. My husband has never been a strong spiritual leader in our home (no I am not bashing him just stating a truth) I know he has his own spiritual and heart struggles. The problem is, I don't know how to be the one who does all the "right" things while I wait for there to be change. What about times, that I stand for something that is right even against my own family. I don't know what direction I should be headed in with spiritual growth. My personal relationship with Christ, and it's growth or lack of cannot be placed on what my husband does or does not do. I admitted I am very broken, and at the end of myself. That in desperation I have been conformed to the world and done things that I shouldn't have to meet my families needs at various times over the years. I had forgotten God's promise in Philippians 4:19, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." There were also times where I felt like my families needs just were not provided for. (Looking back the needs probably were met, I just couldn't see my blessings.) I couldn't remember the last time we had sat down as a family to really thank God for the meals he gives us each day.
My security has been at times been in the amount of money I did or did not have in the bank. I am not strong enough to fulfill my husbands roll and my roll spiritually and physically in this house. I don't really know what my spiritual roll is I guess.
There are times that I have struggled with depression, anger, discontentment, and I feel completely talentless. After some fertility struggles, God gave me two beautiful children, that I at times get angry with and yell at and take for granted. That I don't love myself and what God has given me enough to be a good steward with this body and get my health under control. I have no perseverance. (My blogging probably reflects that very efficiently)
Someone prayed very earnestly with me over my frustrations. We prayed for my husband. For the protection of my children from things they may have seen or heard. Over our situation with my nephew living with me....it is a tremendous strain and drain on everyone (for their family too) I had forgotten about taking my problems to the Lord and not just voicing them out loud to ears that would listen. We prayed that they would find a place, or that the Lord would give us abundant and overflowing love for them. There have been some serious overstepping of bounds and I want to address them in love, but I am also afraid because of past fights we have had, and things that have been said.
It was a beautiful time. On the way home I apologized to my best friend (we rode together) and admitted that I have not been a very good friend. I don't offer to pray with her, and as her best friend and sister in Christ that should be one of our strongest bonds.
I know God takes broken things and makes them new. I look forward to that renewal. I am excited to know that I can come to HIM just as I am, broken and hard hearted, and He takes me as I am. There is nothing I can hide.
If you are feeling any desperation....do not despair...there is always hope.....